League of Extraordinary Oddballs: HIP KNOX

Returning to our retrospective on the kookiest superheroes of all time, I give you the short but spectacular career of Hip Knox, raised from birth to be a master of the art of hypnotism.  Obviously he wasn’t raised to be a paragon of muscular definition.  That’s him in the red.

Okay, Hip, I know it’s not reasonable to expect a Superman-level physique from everyone, and it’s not like I’m good about hitting the gym myself, but for Pete’s sake at least lay off the estrogen.

Hip has a very focused mission in life.  Where Batman is dedicated to eradicating crime in all its forms, Captain America is committed to halting the march of fascist invaders and Superman protects the globe from menaces originating from Earth and beyond, Hip spends all his (?) time in a running grudge match against a single foe. So what’s that villain’s terrifying nom de guerre?  The Red Skull?  The Joker?  Doctor Doom? No, it’s [shudder!]…Eric MacFadden!

With the kind of cunning only a criminal genius can manage, MacFadden has learned that wrapping your head in chicken wire is the key to thwarting hypnotic force.  Sure it looks silly but not as silly as strutting around on stage quacking like a duck.

With his whole gang in chicken wire helmets, MacFadden sets a trap for Hip.  Actually it’s a fairly simple trap; just wait for him to come out of his house, then konk him on the head.  Apparently Hip only owns the one outfit, so he takes walks in the park while dressed in spandex.  The elaborately constructed plan is a smashing success!

Hip awakens in the back of the villains’ car and finds himself being kidnapped, possibly with the aim of murder.  As the car drives close to a crowd of bystanders on the sidewalk, Hip yells out,  “Help, I’m being kidnapped!” and gets immediate aid.  Just kidding:  instead, he uses his hypnotic powers to freeze a group of onlookers in bizarre poses, hoping others will see this strange sight and have their curiosity aroused.  Then they’ll act on that curiosity and follow the car to its destination.  I think we can all agree it’s a foolproof plan.

And yet, somehow it does not succeed. Hip is taken to an abandoned shack on the outskirts of town (preferred location of abandoned shacks since 1905) and subjected to a nefarious ray designed to remove his hypnotic powers.  Because that’s a thing.  However the dials seem to have been misaligned as the ray instead appears to have killed him.

Oh sure, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.  I ask you, what kind of supervillain even says, “Gosh”?  Panicking, Mac Fadden and his flunkies skeedaddle, and Hip manages to escape, having only pretended to be dead through hypnotic suggestion.  Psych!

Hip tracks down MacFadden, but not before devising a new, backpack-mounted, anti-chicken wire ray to outmaneuver his foe.

With MacFadden at his mercy, Hip has a bit of fun.

Yeah, there’s no sense involving the authorities over a harmless case of kidnapping. We’ll just make a fool of Eric and call it even.  Anyway, I’m sure he’ll have learned his lesson.  Right? 

Alas it is not to be. Embittered by the costly dry-cleaning bill to remove two days of pigeon poop from his nice purple suit, MacFadden returns the next month with another scheme to undo Hip, this time kidnapping him while he sleeps.  In full costume.  (Well, it does look like pajamas).

Ha!  Let’s see you beat a chicken wire helmet when it’s covering your OWN head!  Check and mate!

MacFadden seems to have overcome his earlier squeamishness because he now devises a trap for Hip that, if successful, will kill him.  Death by firing squad?  No.  Thrown in the river while bound?  Nuh-uh.  He’s designed and built a massive rocket plane that will carry Hip via auto-pilot to a crash landing in the ocean.  Because, comic book.

The rocket plane is launched, and I mean pretty much straight up.  The citizenry takes notice.

Just to unpack this, the people of the city are in the habit of pointing at shooting stars, so they’re obviously hard up for entertainment.  Plus they think stars fall UP, and have wings.  Maybe they should be more concerned that the buildings in their town are disintegrating.

Of course MacFadden has failed to reckon with the unconquerable, never-say-die spirit of a superhero.  Hip Knox is not the sort to give in to despair.

Um…yes, well.  So though supposedly only programmed to crash straight into the ocean, the plane seems to take a detour into Earth orbit on the way.  But what goes up must come down, not that it discourages our brave hero, who continues to look on the bright side.

Ahem.  So the whole process takes an awfully long time to play out, several pages even. But with every passing moment, our dauntless hero grows bolder and more self-assured.

For Pete’s sake, Hip.  Pull yourself together.  Hey, those bonds on your legs look awfully loose.  Maybe if you keep at it, you can get yourself free!

Oh, I give up.

By now the plane is over South America (don’t ask me) and headed for a collision with a volcano (?) but Hip spots a massive group of condors in the sky and hypnotizes them into forming a cushion under the plane, saving Hip from death but not doing the birds any favors.

Making his way back to the city, Hip finds Mac Fadden and balances the scales of justice.  I mean, this time things have gone beyond mere frat boy rivalries; Mac Fadden has attempted to commit murder! Of course there can be only one punishment.  That’s right, he must be made to humiliate himself by acting like a mermaid.

No, wait.  Mermaids are still kind of cool. Let’s make him bark like a seal.

Yes, that should do it.  You try to kill me in a crashing rocket plane, I humiliate you at Sea World.  Now we’re even and we can put this whole business behind us. 

Or not.

This may very well take the prize for the most low-stakes “epic” in the history of comics.  It’s not so much about saving the world as it is an ever-escalating grudge match between two oddball neighbors:  Ollie cuts Stan’s tie with scissors, Stan throws Ollie’s hat in the path of a car. Somehow it’s hard to imagine a lot of kids waiting anxiously for the next installment.  On reflection, maybe hypnotism isn’t the most exciting super-power we could’ve chosen.  “Hey Kids!  You are getting sleepy….very sleepy.”