League of Extraordinary Oddballs: Headgear Fashion Show

Crime-fighting attire is all about style. You wouldn’t dress in your finest raiments for Derby Day or the Easter parade without including awesome headgear, so neither should you don a brightly-colored spandex super-suit while neglecting a senses-shattering chapeau. 

The only characters who’ve endured to the modern day with boffo headwear are the Golden Age Flash — with his Mercury-inspired helmet that makes him look like he’s delivering flowers — and the magical Doctor Fate with a total, face-covering helmet that lends an appropriate air of mystery. 

But in their heyday, they were joined by many others, and today’s fashion show brings us highlights from the heyday of heroic headgear, starting with the intrepid Skyrocket Steele.

A fashion plate of the first order, Mr Steele sports a leather aviation helmet with a large yellow “fin,” possibly to make him more aerodynamic but maybe just to add a bit of extra challenge to getting through doorways.  Complementing the fin is a pair of yellow gloves which, when crime activity slows down, can be used for washing dishes and scrubbing toilets (and may I add, kudos to Mr Steele for coping bravely with the rare disability of having a right hand at the end of a left arm).  A tasteful symphony of colors plays throughout the ensemble: a green cape and tights interact dazzlingly with purple briefs, pink vest and orange sash to create a veritable Rainbow of Justice.  Or an ad for Skittles.

Modeling a variation on the “helmet fin” motif is the heroic Rex Dexter of Mars.

Rex’s helmet features a protuberance that curls forward and down, presumably aspiring to adjectives like “crescent-shaped” as opposed to “flaccid.”  Although it may be misinterpreted as a drooping cloth cap like those worn by court jesters, this headpiece is in fact fashioned of solid metal, as evidenced by the still-attached carrying handle left over from its days as a mop bucket.  

Rex sticks to a lovely sky blue throughout the outfit, which includes a heavy vest with high midriff and Dynasty-worthy shoulder pads. The jeweled belt, bare arms and yellow piping on the trousers combine to solidify Rex’s status as the hunkiest man on all of Mars (as evidenced by the hand of a Martian beauty subtly reaching for his crotch).

Favoring red over blue, we have the ever-stylish Shock Gibson.

Shock exhibits a refreshing flair for simplicity, sporting an all-over crimson bodystocking trimmed with yellow belt, gloves and helmet.  As his name implies, Shock has the power to hurl electric bolts, but his most impressive power may be his ability to wear a 20-pound brass spittoon on his head without breaking his neck.

Also opting for red is the famous Bulletman (and his helper and eventual bride, Bulletgirl).

Besides giving his cranium the shape of a bullet, the helmet is made of a rare metal that actually grants our hero the power of flight.  Since this means he’s basically being pulled off the ground by his headwear, his strongest muscles must be in his neck.  With the power of flight, Bulletman and Bulletgirl can travel to the scene of a crime with great speed.  On the other hand they since have no actual superpowers, what happens once they get there is anyone’s guess.  But whatever it is they do, they’ll look fabulous doing it in their coordinated outfits, accessorized with a pair of thigh-high leather riding boots.

Balancing the scales for Team Color Blind, we have the Blue Bolt.

Aside from his nom de guerre, Blue Bolt shows no chroma-favoritism, skillfully working in the colors red, purple and yellow in an ensemble that says, “If you don’t think I’m crazy enough to shoot this ray gun, better think again.”   Blue Bolt’s helmet provides full ear coverage to protect him from the cruel taunts of fashion critics, and adds a clever, jagged shape to the yellow head fin to suggest an electric bolt.  Zzzzzap!

The prize for most fully-committed helmet-wearer, however, must go to Gary Concord, the Ultra-Man.

Gary sports an utterly darling purple helmet with a spectacular golden eagle over the brow, tapering down to a pair of “Beats” headphones to listen to his favorite tunes while battering bad guys.  A golden neck skirt (ie. metal mullet) protects the base of his skull from judo chops, while up top is a golden head fin adorned with spherical beads in a bold declaration of his “balls out” approach to adventure. Even with the rest of his costume in tatters, Gary cuts a dashing figure thanks to the unequalled glory of this brain bucket.

Honorable mention goes to…um…this guy.

Wearing what may be a hollowed-out duck decoy on his head, this fellow had such a dynamic look that he earned a cover spot on KO Komics despite the fact that he does not appear inside the book and isn’t named on the cover, which marks his single appearance in all of comics history. Unless his name is “KO” I don’t know what to call him. In his all-green outfit, accessorized with a flowing red cape, he swings his right fist forward to strike a triumphant blow for sartorial tastefulness, while what looks like a bar of soap in his left hand signals he’s also a champion of clean living.  (Maybe he’s a grime-fighter?)

Joining KO and Gary in the “bird on the head” craze is Super-American, brought from the perfect democracy of future America (where all men are super, and wear spandex) to fight the fascists of the 40s (or maybe the January 6th insurrection, I can’t tell).  Determined to out-super Superman and out-America Captain America, this proud patriot tops off his “stars and stripes” ensemble with a helmet suggesting a great blue eagle.  Or jay. Or sparrow, or something.  Anyway once you get to the general region of the brain, he’s very bird-like.

Of course not all of us are metallurgists capable of fashioning designer helmets at home, so thank goodness for Neon the Unknown, who proves we, too, can enter the “fashionable headgear” sweepstakes using whatever we have lying around the house.  

Neon has assembled his outfit from an old pair of dance tights, a sheer blouse with poofy sleeves and a crimson “do rag.”  I like to think Neon smells like Liz Taylor’s “White Diamonds.”

And that’s it for our look at classic head coverings for Golden Age mystery men.  Maybe someday the modern generation of crime fighters will rediscover the understated elegance of a magnificent lid and revive the tradition., whether their friends think it’s cool or not.