Okay, say you're the head of British
Intelligence. Some nefarious
criminal mastermind or other's got
hold of an atomic bomb, or an "omega
virus" or whatever and the fate of
the free world hangs in the balance.
Who do you call? Your top agent,
right? So how come "M" never does?
That's
right, despite the fact that M
repeatedly promises the Prime
Minister to "put our best man on it
at once," the man who's always
summoned is James Bond 007. And yet,
various clues in the books and films
suggest there's a better agent on
the MI6 payroll. We never learn his
name, but his number is 008.
Early
Clues
We first hear of this paragon of
British heroism in Ian Fleming's
novel "Goldfinger." As Bond finds
himself tied down to await a grisly
fate via buzz saw, he muses that M
will most likely send another agent
to avenge his death. "Probably 008,
the second killer in the small
section of three. He was a good man,
more careful than Bond." So reads
our introduction to 008. A couple of
sentences aren't much to go on, but
already we know he's a man with
enough restraint and good sense not
to rush into danger as Bond does,
and it's implied that Bond respects
him for that.
In the film version of Goldfinger,
M is the first to bring up Bond's
rival. "This isn't a personal
vendetta," M tells Bond, who's
seething over the murder of Jill
Masterson. "It's an assignment like
any other. And if you can't treat it
as such -- coldly and objectively -
then 008 can replace you." The
implication, of course, is that 008
is cold and objective, and not
subject to the impetuous,
testosterone-driven mistakes of 007.
It's also our second indication that
008 could make a career out of
cleaning up Bond's messes.
Later
in the film, we find poor old James
tied down again, only this time it's
not a buzz saw that threatens to
have him singing soprano, but a
(more cinematically pleasing) laser
beam. Again the other superspy gets
a mention. "You're forgetting one
thing, Goldfinger," says Bond. "If I
fail to report, 008 replaces me!"
Nice try, but as Goldfinger didn't
read the book or hear M's earlier
remarks, he doesn't realize the
enormity of the threat. "I trust he
will be more successful than you,"
he answers, looking decidedly
unimpressed.
The
Ideal
Employee
We have to wait 23 years for another
mention of 008. It comes in The
Living Daylights when
Bond questions the theory that
General Pushkin is the mastermind
behind Smiert Spionom. "I'll recall
008 from Hong Kong," M interrupts.
"He can do it; he doesn't know
Pushkin. He follows orders, not
instincts!" This is enough to snap
Bond to attention and bring him back
in line.
So
what's the deal with this 008 guy?
Apparently he's got all of Bond's
skills and then some. He knows how
to follow orders, exercises caution,
is not a sucker for the females and
never allows personal feelings to
interfere with the performance of
his duties. By any objective
standard, he's far more valuable to
M than Bond, who let's face it is
impulsive, insubordinate and easily
swayed by a pretty face; who runs up
hefty expense vouchers with his Dom
Perignon and fancy dinners and who
trashes vehicles as fast as Q can
build them. Yes, compared to Bond
this 008 fellow is a model employee,
a real MVP, the kind of subordinate
a boss dreams about.
Or
to put it another way, too good to
be true. You see, I have discovered
Agent 008's dirty little secret; he
doesn't exist! Come on, how could
anyone drive an Aston Martin and not
get into a road race on an impulse?
How could any red-blooded male
interact with those sexy female
superspies and not get in the sack
with them? It can't be done! Then
there's the cold, hard facts: the
stakes are global in Thunderball,
You
Only Live Twice, The Spy Who Loved
Me, Moonraker and Tomorrow
Never
Dies. If there really was the
threat of global destruction, why
would M send anyone but his best
agent, 008, to take care of things?
He wouldn't, if the
guy really existed.
But
the real tip-off is the fact that
008 gets mentioned in 1987, 23 years
after Goldfinger. As we
all know, it is impossible for any
double-0 but Bond to live that long.
Most of 'em get 15 minutes tops,
before they're shot in the arms of a
belly dancer, knocked off a cliff,
frozen in ice and snow, and/or
knifed by evil twins while wearing a
clown suit.
M's
Little
Secret
No, the mysterious 008 is a
fabrication, an imaginary rival for
James Bond, created by M to keep 007
in his place. Bond is a nice guy and
all, but how can any mere mortal
save the world once a year (in the
60s. Once every two years in the
70's and early 80's then a break due
to legal issues) without getting a
swelled head? James Bond makes
mistakes, beds both good girls and
bad and destroys millions in
government property, but always
comes out on top anyway. This kind
of constant success would make him
insufferably smug - and sloppy -- if
not for M's one trump card; the
threat of replacing him with the
imaginary 008. If Bond ever realizes
that in fact he is the best spy in
the world, he'll get lazy and
someone will pop him off. But if he
thinks there's always someone out
there just a little bit better,
he'll keep giving 100% just to raise
his average.
Watch
the scene in TLD closely.
As
Robert Brown (M) delivers his lines,
you get the distinct impression he's
thinking, "Here's where I use the
008 Ploy. Checkmate!" Then when Bond
has a change of heart, M sits back
with a smug expression like, "What a
sucker. That one gets him every
time!"
Gotta
hand it to M - this little scheme is
brilliant in its simplicity.
Inventing a fictitious co-worker
wouldn't be too hard. In the hustle
and bustle of the globe-trotting
double-0 section, you could go a
long time without seeing your office
mates. "Oh, 008? Wouldn't you know
it, you just missed him, Bond. He
was sent to Instanbul this morning."
Brilliant. But I'm on to you, M! I
know your secret. This oh-so perfect
008 of yours doesn't exist. And even
if he did, we wouldn't like him.
He'd be too careful, too efficient
and not horny enough. Plus within 24
hours we'd all be split over whether
he should be played by Adrian Paul
or Ralph Fiennes.
No
offense to the estimable head of
MI6, but ultimately the final
authority on the merits of James
Bond is Carly Simon (who's cuter,
anyway). As she assured us years
ago, "Nobody does it better!"
