League Of Extraordinary Oddballs: Proud to Be An American

It’s Independence Day, and by golly if there’s one thing superheroes love more than justice, it’s the good old US of A.  Take for instance the modestly named Captain Courageous, who has America on his mind pretty much 24 hours a day.

Hmm, I hope that squirrel over there appreciates the liberties he enjoys here in America, unlike the many unfortunate squirrels living under the yoke of Nazi oppression.  And check out that all-American fire hydrant down the street. They don’t make them that solid and dependable in stinking Germany.  Nothing like good old Yankee craftsmanship, am I right? But waitaminnit, what’s going on with those kids?   They’re all picking on that one little girl…

No fair!  She has no irises or pupils, so she’s obviously blind!  Throwing tomatoes at a blind girl is un-American!  Little Donnie Trump must be taught a lesson.  This is a job for Captain Courageous!

Be kind.  Don’t throw tomatoes at people.  Stay in school.  And that’s One To Grow On.

I pity the fool who drops out of school!

Now, little girl, what’s this all about?  And did I mention I’m secretly Captain Courageous?  Good thing I spent all that time sewing a mask.

Turns out the other kids have turned on the girl because her father was arrested as a Nazi spy.  But wait, the girl says he was framed: the real spies are still at large!  Never fear: Captain Courageous is on the case. Good thing he staked out that elementary school; you’d be surprised how often an incident in 5th grade recess leads to the discovery of a national security threat. Now it’s easy-peasy for our hero to track down the real Nazis despite their seemingly fool-proof choice of a hideout.

When the spies try to launch a surprise aerial attack on unsuspecting American cities, Captain Courageous soars into action.  And yet, even though he can fly, has super-strength and is bullet-proof, he’d still rather leave some glory for the good old US Army Air Corps, helpfully drawing swastikas on the enemy planes so our flyboys will know who to shoot at.

Comet Cupid, I think you’re right!  

Of course American flyers are always superior to German ones, so right and virtue quickly prevail.  Then it’s off to clear the name of the falsely accused father of that pupil-deprived kid. Captain Courageous gives the fellow a chance to participate in the capture of the remaining spies using appropriately American methods.

Remember, kids:  Nazi spies may do a pretty good job of posing as decent Americans, but a solid blow to the head will expose them as they blurt out authentic German exclamations.

Note to readers: Our editorial staff guarantees absolutely no action will be taken in this comic that does not conform to the highest standards of US patriotism.

With the innocent man cleared of all charges, peace and order is at last restored to the playground.

Whoa, wait, Little Johnny has the same blank eyes, so this must be a school for the blind!  In which case, nice throw with that tomato, kid.  I’ll bet no blind German boy could hit a target at that distance.  U-S-A! U-S-A!