League of Extraordinary Oddballs: MR WHISKERS

There’s at least three things a superhero needs to succeed in the comic book business: a cool costume, an interesting power set and a catchy name.  Here we meet a hero who proudly fails all three tests. 

I give you FBI agent Jim Clay, who doesn’t get enough crime-busting in his day job and thus moonlights as a mystery man, striking fear into the hearts of criminals with his dreadful disguise — a fake beard — and his terror-inducing battle name: Mr Whiskers! 

Jim engages in this little side career with the full approval of his boss at the FBI.  Sure, it’s a bit unorthodox to sanction the activities of a vigilante, but darn it there are times when a federally funded crimefighting organization with thousands of trained operatives and millions of dollars in heavy ordinance, surveillance technology and state-of-the-art crime labs just isn’t enough. What we really need in the battle against organized crime is the kind of “shock and awe” campaign that can only be waged with an opera cape and glued-on, synthetic facial hair from Party City.

In issue #4 of “Four Favorites” Comics, Jim responds to a bank robbery in his capacity as a G-man and finds that the bank alarm was never engaged, implicating the night watchman as an accomplice.  The man is hauled off to jail but protests his innocence, and Jim has a hunch he’s on the up and up.

Hmm, yes.  We have a suspect,but he may not be guilty.  Obviously, my FBI training is useless in this situation, so it’s time for the beard.

If that’s what a “Day” looks like in that town, I don’t want to see the nights.

As he “happens by” the city jail, Mr Whiskers witnesses the night watchman being sprung from jail by gangsters.  So maybe he really IS a bad guy?  Only one way to find out: steal a police motorcycle and follow that car.

I wonder if that’s ever worked?  “Hey you there, stealing my vehicle!  Bring it back!”  Exactly what percent of the time does the thief return with the stolen vehicle and offer an apology?

Mr Whiskers traces the gangsters’ car to a house on the edge of town.  Climbing a tree to peer in through a window, he eavesdrops on the villains and learns they’re deliberately incriminating the watchman, who is innocent and tied up in the corner.  Now to deal some whiskered justice.

Meanwhile the police have tracked down that stolen motorcycle and a half dozen cops crash into the house to find the gang all beaten up by Mr Whiskers.  All except the leader, who’s slipped out the back door.  Mr Whiskers steals the bike again to give chase.

Hey, sooner or later the “come back and turn yourself in” gambit has got to work, right?

Mr Whiskers takes a shortcut, gets in front of the getaway car and causes the gangster to swerve into a tree.  Then he turns him over to the cops and the case is solved.

Notice there’s nothing Jim accomplishes as Mr Whiskers that he couldn’t have done just as easily without the disguise. And in fact, it’s what he’s being paid to do.  All he really accomplishes here is to create a situation where he can’t take credit for completing his official assignment.

It will perhaps come as no surprise that this was the only close shave Mr Whiskers would ever have with crime. He would never return after this one appearance.