1976: The Double-Or-Nothing Life of Superman

Fifty years ago today, Superman #299 concluded a 4-issue saga with “The Double or Nothing Life of Superman.” 

Superman #299 concludes a 4-issue saga with “The Double or Nothing Life of Superman.” 

We open by eavesdropping on a subspace radio conversation between the mysterious Mr. Xavier, aka “Xviar” and his alien superiors on an unnamed planet. 

“Relay detailed report of mission for our employers, Galactic Spaceways Company,” commands the unseen supervisor on the far-off world.  “Explain progress on efforts to see that Earthlings do not interfere with the planned teleportation route through their star system, by obliterating the planet Earth!”

That’s right, it turns out the mysterious master plan behind Xviar’s decades-long machinations is the same as that of the Vogons in Douglas Adams’ 1978 BBC radio series and eventual novel, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” To wit: the Earth must be demolished to clear the path for an intergalactic superhighway. Whereas Adams used the idea for satire, Bates and Maggin play it mostly straight (and first, by two years!).  Then again, maybe they’re going for laughs as well, given that Xviar has been plodding along on this project for 30 years now, which seems a slow pace even by Department of Transportation standards.

Anyway, Xviar reports his success at rendering Superman powerless whenever dressed as Clark Kent…

You can tell it’s 1976 because lifting a television is still a daunting solo task for a grown man.  With ultra-thin flat screen technology still decades in the future, those massive CRT consoles were indeed a bear to move around.

Xviar’s repeated intrusions into Clark’s apartment have at last provided him with all the alien tech necessary to make a handful of “space jewels” teleport Superman’s worst enemies to 344 Clinton Avenue, apartment 3-D, after which he intentionally trips an alarm to alert Superman to the fact.

Superman is naturally aghast at the sight of nine supervillains milling about in Clark’s apartment, but perhaps equally sobering is just what a sorry job DC has done over the years at building a decent Rogues Gallery for Earth’s Greatest Superhero. Sure, Luthor and Brainiac are heavy hitters, and I’ll give you Parasite as well. But then we’re left with the likes of “space cowboy” Terra-Man and the short-lived Jack Nimball version of Toyman, semi-famous for his appearances in the Super-Friends cartoons but due to be murdered by original Toyman Winslow Shott just six issues from now. Then there’s the Prankster, aka the Ralph Malph of the supervillain crowd who according to one online resource has been unseen for ten years at this point, confirming his general uselessness.  Next up is Amalak, who you’d be forgiven for never having heard of (I know I hadn’t) given that he’d previously appeared only twice and most recently back in 1967. Rounding out the bunch is Mr. Mxyzptlk, at worst an annoyance with all the deadly menace of a distempered hamster.  Finally, in what even Superman recognizes as an act of desperation, the nonet is completed with Kryptonite Man, a character who hasn’t factored into the mythos since Smallville days, when he challenged Superboy as “Kryptonite Kid.”

Nevertheless, Superman declares this line-up such a massive threat that “they make the Mongol hordes look like a Sunday school picnic!” He anxiously speeds from this fortress to Clark’s apartment, only to find the place empty.  Somehow, however, he suddenly “knows” that he’ll find three of the villains in the vicinity of the Egyptian Pyramids, so off he goes.  We learn that this “sudden insight” came courtesy of Xviar, who flashed the thought into Superman’s head via “mental command.”

Sure enough, Superman finds the Prankster, Toyman and Terra-Man hanging out at the Pyramids.  Dodging shots from Terra-Man’s gun, he knocks the cosmic cowpoke into the sidecar of a “toy” motorbike already occupied by the other two miscreants.  Prankster fires a sort of giant Slinky at Superman and binds him in its coils, but Supes escapes by burrowing into the ground, which being in the Middle East is naturally full of oil, handy for slipping out of super-slinkies.

Watching all of this on a monitor (thanks to one of those handy “always a camera where you need it” arrangements we know and love from TV shows), Xviar is far from distressed; in fact, he wants the foes to be defeated, just so long as Superman keeps using his powers, which will ultimately trigger an Earth-shattering Ka-Boom.

Alas, Superman picks this moment to take a break from super-feats, changing to Clark Kent to finally testify at the ongoing Intergang trial, where he’s the star witness.  Since he’s closer to his office than his apartment, he grabs one of Clark’s spare suits from the WGBS wardrobe department, then delivers testimony sure to convict the accused.  Swarmed by reporters after the trial, Clark tries to slip away and finds to his surprise that he’s able to do so at superspeed.  Furthermore, he can easily punch a hole in a brick wall.  Somehow, he’s gotten his powers back even though he’s dressed in his street clothes.

With no time to ponder this development, Superman acts on another “insight” and tracks Mr. Mxyzptlk, Luthor and Parasite to the Rocky Mountains.  Mxy makes Superman’s head and hands disappear to give us a suitable hook for this issue’s cover, while Luthor unleashes a “Quasar Bazooka” on our hero. Superman dodges the blast, which hits the Parasite instead, but Parasite likes being struck with the Quasar energy and keeps drawing power from the gun until it finally explodes and knocks out both villains. Superman renders Mxyzptlk unconscious with a falling rock (is this a first?), causing his missing head and hands to reappear.

Back in his apartment again, Superman finally figures out what’s been going on for the last few issues: his Clark Kent wardrobe has been treated with a chemical that blocks the sun’s rays, but this only applies to the suits stored in his apartment; the one he retrieved from WGBS was untreated, allowing “Clark” to use super-speed and strength at the courthouse.

Led to Brainiac and Amalak by another sudden insight, Superman deals with them in a single page (albeit by unleashing what looks like a nuclear blast in an unnamed “forest.” Take that, Smokey Bear), then carts them both off to a galactic prison compound.  Receiving another mental message pointing him in the direction of Kryptonite Man, Superman chooses to instead follow the signal to its source, which turns out to be the apartment next to Clark Kent’s, where Xviar is either asleep or in some kind of trance.  After making an inspection of the apartment (off panel), Superman proceeds to Metropolis Park to face Kryptonite Man, letting loose with a mighty punch that will provide the last burst of super-energy Xviar needs to destroy the Earth.  Except when the punch lands, Kryptonite Man is kayoed but the Earth does NOT go bye-bye.

Having figured out Xviar’s scheme, Superman has prepared himself by donning one of Clark Kent’s chemically treated outfits under his super suit, rendering him non-super.  Of course, on the previous page it sure looked like he was landing in the park after having flown there, but maybe he just naturally walks around on his tiptoes with his cape fluttering up behind him (hey, you get all kinds in the park). 

As an aside, it’s always baffled me exactly what superhero costumes are made of that we can see every rippling muscle, every straining sinew, every popping vein through the “fabric” (though usually not nipples or navels, ‘cause this is a family friendly medium, you know. I’m looking at you, Joel).  Superhero “costumes” seem sprayed on from a can more than made from any material known to human science, but the mystery is considerably deepened here given that Superman wears a dress shirt and slacks UNDER the super-suit and yet we can STILL see his magnificent abs in bold relief. Superman muses that normally the Kryptonite Man’s “mere presence is deadly to a Kryptonian” but “with no powers, the green-K had no effect on me.”  This sort of thing always drove me nuts when it showed up in stories.  Powers or no powers, Superman still has Kryptonian DNA and thus should be vulnerable to the effects of Kryptonite radiation.  It’s said many times in the books that Earth people are unaffected by Kryptonite, but just losing his powers does not make Superman an Earthman.  In fact, proximity to Kryptonite is often shown to remove Superman’s powers as an intermediary stage before death, so using the logic Superman offers in this story, as soon as Green K makes his powers fade, the rock should stop bothering him and death should never be a possibility. Nonetheless, this “no powers = no worries” plot device is consistent with the way things are (stupidly) handled about 50% of the time, so I guess it’s technically not a “mistake” even if it doesn’t add up.

We learn that Xviar tried to fool Superman by masquerading as Amalak, which means now he’s in the prison Superman put “Amalak” in, and his bosses are unlikely to spring him given his failure.  (I never understood this twist until now, 50 years later:  I’m guessing Xviar was the “Amalak” who teamed with Luthor against Superman, leaving the real Amalak to appear as the “sleeping” Xviar back at the apartment. That way, when the Earth was destroyed, Xviar would be safe on the prison planet while Amalak would die in his stead?  Which I guess works if you accept that Xviar knew ahead of time that’s where Supes would dump the villain).  Anyway, with the deadline for Earth’s destruction now passed, the space highway contract is forfeit and all is well, at least until two years from now when Douglas Adams finishes the job.

In ta one-page epilogue, we wrap things up with a return to the status quo.

So now we learn Superman had already made up his mind what he was going to do: he intended to simply keep both identities.  Which is not at all one of the choices originally put before us, and yet is pretty much what we’ve been thinking since this whole thing started: why choose?  Lots of other heroes are vulnerable until they get into their battle suits or get hold of some device or other – a power ring, a cosmic rod, a mystic helmet, etc – so why would it be a deal-breaker for Superman to be similarly inconvenienced?  Did it really take two weeks of his life and four months of ours to figure out this was never much of a problem at all? If one were a cynic, one might suspect he already knew he’d keep both identities from the start and the whole point of this charade was to indulge in a passionate affair with Lois Lane without putting her at physical risk.  But come to think of it, if they did “do the deed” two issues ago, wouldn’t he have taken off his Clark Kent clothes to do so, making him “super” in the bedroom?

Also, if Superman gets his power from the sun, and if the chemically-treated Clark Kent clothes blocked those rays, would it even have made a difference?  His head and hands were always sticking out of his collar and cuffs, exposed to the sun’s rays.  Indeed, twenty-three issues from now in Superman #322, our boy will intentionally treat himself with a specially prepared sunscreen lotion to reduce his powers, later removing his boots and exposing his lotion-less bare feet just in time to get super again and survive a high-altitude fall.  If exposing his FEET to the sun is enough to make him super, then why not his head and hands?  (Incidentally that scene from #322 is also where we learn that Superman doesn’t wear any socks under his boots, so eww.)

Anyway, so ends an overall fun and memorable saga that nonetheless peaked back in the second installment with its spotlight on Clark Kent.  Even before the “status quo restored” epilogue, this issue is very much a return to “business as usual” in terms of tensionless battles, daffy plot twists and WTF pseudo-science.  And as with any story involving a pile-on of super-villains, the unintended result is to make all of them seem less threatening the next time we encounter them individually.   And as noted, Superman’s Rogues Gallery was already non-threatening enough as it was.

Speaking of which, we last left Mr. Mxyzptlk unconscious, but still in our dimension, so what happens when he wakes up?