League of Extraordinary Oddballs: WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Within months of Superman’s debut, it was already getting hard to come up with cool names for his many imitators.  A common solution was to turn to the animal kingdom for inspiration; after all, the wilderness is full of fearsome beasts with names that instantly convey the power and fury of nature.

For instance, what cowardly criminal wouldn’t spend sleepless nights fearing the mighty wrath of… The Zebra! 

When John Doyle is falsely convicted of murder and slated for execution, he escapes prison to clear his name  Without a lot of other options, he makes a costume out of his prison uniform, featuring black and white stripes…hey, like a Zebra!  This is perhaps not the ideal way to keep a low profile when the authorities are hunting for an escaped convict, but as superhero get-ups go, at least it’s unique.  And just for good measure, it’s tastefully accessorized with a red cape and boots and yellow gloves.  You know, just to reinforce the resemblance to a Zebra.

So, he has no powers, wears an eyesore of a costume and goes by one of the least threatening battle names ever, but at least The Zebra does have a spiffy catch-phrase, long before Kool-Aid Man rips it off… 

The Zebra’s crusade plays out in the pages of Pocket Comics.  Elsewhere in the same book, we meet a superhero with an even less impressive nom de guerre.  He has the ability to control heat and light and hurl flames, but he’s also late to the game so “Human Torch” and “The Flame” are both already taken.  Undaunted, he comes up with the awe-inspiring handle of…Red Blazer!

If you thought naming yourself after an inanimate object like a green lantern was an odd choice, this guy’s got them all beat, naming himself after something in his closet (and not even an item he’s actually wearing!)  But maybe he was hoping for a corporate sponsor in the form of Avis rentals.

As we’ve seen, heroes can end up with powers due to intense training, scientific experimentation, alien ancestry or random twists of fate.  The Red Blazer may be unique in that his powers are forced on him against his will.  

Jack Dawson, a modern-day cowboy in Wyoming comes upon a spaceship piloted by one Dr Morgan and his Martian assistant, the latter having just perished.  Dr Morgan went to Mars in 1901 to bring back scientific solutions to Earth’s ills, but has returned to find us still unworthy of advanced technology.  He settles for turning Jack into a superhero without his consent.

I can’t be the only one who finds that sequence disturbing, and it’d be even worse if they just ended the story right here.  Think of it as the “Bill Cosby Method” for making a superman. 

Anyway, our hero wakes up inside the spaceship to find a note.

“Dear Jack:  Sorry I drugged your drink and took your clothes.  No point going into the specifics of what happened while you were knocked out, but please know that as far as I’m concerned you’re the perfect man.  Love, Dr Morgan.”

Anyway, Jack learns he now has “mastery over the astro-pyro rays” in Earth’s atmosphere, allowing him to burst into flames without burning up, shoot fire from his hands, fly and move at superhuman speed.  Of course this suggests any number of cool names, like Fireball or Meteor or Firestorm or Flamethrower, but he settles on “Red Blazer,” and clinches the deal by wearing a blue top.

If any hero ever cried out for a sidekick, it’s this one.  I can see it now: Criminals everywhere, beware the wrath of Red Blazer and Slacks! But alas no kids ever apply for the position, so he’s reduced to narrating all his actions to himself.

His arch nemesis at least has a slightly catchier name: Dr Skull.  He has a cool “Megamind” vibe going, but his villainous speeches feel a little phoned-in.

Perhaps realizing they need at least one memorable character in this book, the editors of Pocket Comics turn to a guaranteed headliner.  Hey, if he’s good enough for the Bible, he’s good enough for us. Boys and girls, meet Satan!

It was pretty rare — but interestingly not entirely unheard of — for a villain to get his own strip in the Golden Age of comics.  As you might expect, Satan causes no end of headaches for decent folk…and even for his own helpers, who he’s prone to double-crossing (what did they think was going to happen?).

Personally, I think the whole thing is worth it for this panel alone.  I want a Charlie Daniels song with this title.

Still, I have a sneaking suspicion the entire exercise was all working up to this one gag…

Ultimately, the Pocket Comics curse of lame names remains unbroken, because good taste forces the writers to provide a nemesis for Satan, someone to defend the ideals of right and virtue and save us all from damnation.  And that hero is named….Larry.

It wasn’t just the “off brand” companies that had trouble with names, though.  Over at Timely (later Marvel) Comics, we had arguably the most famous of all “Lame Name” heroes, The Whizzer.

When young Robert Frank is bitten by a cobra in Africa, his father saves his life with a transfusion of mongoose blood.  As a happy side-effect, he gains the speed of a mongoose, becoming Timely’s answer to The Flash.

This origin is often held up as one of the dumbest ever, but I don’t know.  How is it that if a guy gets mongoose speed from mongoose blood it’s considered ridiculous, but if a guy gets spider powers from a spider bite it’s celebrated as a stroke of genius that fuels a multi-billion-dollar entertainment franchise?

Anyway, maybe “The Whizzer” is actually an intimidating moniker after all, because let’s face it, few things are as scary as adult incontinence.

The image above doesn’t really scream “super speed” but the one below does.  Note Frank’s power even makes a “whizzing” sound, so he really is a Whizzer.

Also note the very different costumes in those two images.  Throughout his career — and often from month to month — The Whizzer’s costume is constantly changing.  Now he has a cape, now he doesn’t. Now there are gloves, now there aren’t.  He has a helmet, then he has a cowl, with wings on top, or on the sides, or missing entirely.

But I don’t know why I’m surprised.  With all that whizzing going on, of course you’d end up having to change outfits a LOT.