League of Extraordinary Oddballs: VACCINATED AGAINST EVIL

Stan Carter, All-American male, is reporting for his Army induction physical when the attending physician finds an odd mark on his otherwise perfect physique.

This explanation is good enough for the doctor, but really, what the heck?  Who gets a vaccination on his CHEST, and what kind of needle makes a mark that large, not to mention in the shape of a “W”?  Either this guy’s family doctor was falling-down drunk when he gave the shot, or something else is afoot.  And you can tell this is the 1940’s because the Army is no longer allowed to call out your “queer mark.”  It’s strictly “don’t ask, don’t tell” these days.

Anyway, Stan’s got a heartbeat and can stand up, so he’s 1-A as far as the Army’s concerned. Get that boy a uniform! Meanwhile his little brother stumbles on a Nazi plot and comes running to alert Stan, whose undergarments are decidedly NOT government issue. 

As a card-carrying superhero of the Golden Age, The Lone Warrior has to have a sidekick (it’s in the by-laws), but if you thought “Robin” and “Bucky” were less than awe-inspiring names, Stan’s little brother takes the cake.  His name is Dicky.  No wonder he chooses to merely say, “Me, too.”

Stan naturally feels uneasy about going into battle with a little Dicky, but the kid insists.

So now we know it really IS a vaccination mark, and that the shot was administered by their father.  But while he may or may not have been the “World’s Greatest Scientist,” he sure wasn’t the best Logic tutor, or Stan would know that a “Lone Warrior” by definition can’t have a companion.  

Just to signal that they’re socially conscious, our heroes wear masks in addition to being vaccinated.  The costumes are carefully designed to include a plunging neckline and show off the “W” scar at all times. Gotta keep that queer mark in view just in case the rest of the outfit leaves any doubt.

The Lone Warrior and He-Who-Must-Not-Speak-His-Name engage in a scrap with the spies but the bad guys make their getaway by car.  Our heroes give chase in their own vehicle, which sits “concealed in the woods”, or as concealed as a bright red wingless airplane can be, parked under a lone tree on the edge of an open field.

Speeding off, they apparently destroy half the forest, so I guess they’re going to need a new parking spot after this.

These guys are big on exposition.  “Dad left us this vehicle to aid in our battles!”  “You’re my little brother and our father was a famous scientist!” Apparently Lone Warrior has short-term memory problems and needs constant reminders.  Or maybe Dicky’s just addle-brained like Ralph Wiggum on The Simpsons. (“I’m riding in a car right now!”)

When the boys get to terrain they can’t demolish, a pair of telescoping wings extend and the Wonder Ship goes airborne.

Again with the exposition.  “Hey, Dicky? This vehicle we’re flying in?  It’s an airplane, now.”  “Cool, Lone Warrior.  And dad was a genius.  You met him, remember?”

Somehow or other the Nazis have smuggled an entire fleet of tanks into the U.S. (“Build that wall! Build that wall!) so once again the Wonder Ship makes a quick change.

I confess I don’t get how trading wheels for tank treads makes a big difference, but anyway it seems to even the odds, because now they can smash right through the enemy.

Alas, sooner or later, the boys have to get out of the vehicle for a few scenes, otherwise we’d have to rename the comic “Adventures of The Wonder Ship.”  Tracking down the leader of the spy ring — a dark figure clumsily labeled “The Dictator’s Shadow,” they go into action, but whatever other talents the Lone Warrior might have, aim is not one of them.

Wall 1, Lone Warrior 0. Round one to the Dictator’s Shadow.

Even when our hero eventually remembers he’s supposed to be in the Army, trouble follows wherever he goes.  At one point, a pale giant arrives at the base and isn’t at all slowed down by the sentry on duty.

The sentry fires all his rounds to no avail and meets death at the giant’s hands, so Stan grabs the empty rifle and makes use of the bayonet.  It turns out the creature CAN be killed, just not with bullets.   Our hero isn’t the sharpest tool in the drawer, but luckily for our side, the location of the giant’s heart is marked with a huge tattoo so even Stan knows where to stab.

So how is it that the giant’s skin repels bullets but not blades?  Well, boys and girls, it’s just simple science.

That’s right, kids, it’s only because our bodies contain fluid that we’re able to be damaged.  So be sure to stay dehydrated for your own safety.  But see, there was blood in his heart, and blood is a fluid, so that was his weak point.  Get it?  

What’s that you ask?  Why is his heart full of blood if not to pump it to the rest of his body?  Because…um….hey, did I mention my car can turn into an airplane?

A one-eyed Nazi reports these happenings back to The Dictator’s Shadow in a conversation so EEEvil that even the word balloons have spider webs on them.

Okay, so remind me again why we put his “vital spot” on his chest?  And whose idea was it to tattoo a heart there?  At least tell me we have a foolproof plan for the Death Star?

Crap, our plan specifically called for TWENTY giants.  Now we might as well call the whole thing off.  What am I supposed to do with nineteen lousy giants?

But wait, it’s worse than it looks.

Wow, can you imagine the shipping charges for 1,000 giant slaves?  Even with Amazon Prime, that’s got to run into some money.  And how do you manage to lose 981 of them before the Lone Warrior is even on the case?  Was it all workplace accidents? Maybe the tattoo artist accidentally killed them all while marking heart designs over their “vital spots”?  And where exactly do you bury 981 giants?

Soon enough, another giant makes the scene and our heroes swing into action once more.

That panel’s where the sidekick would usually yell “…and (name)!”  But again the youngster remembers to keep mum for decency’s sake.

Using the Wonder Ship, they track the giant to a cottage in the country where the housekeeping is shamefully poor.

I’m telling you, Gladys, this neighborhood has gone to crap since those mongols moved in.

Discovering their arch enemy The Dictator’s Shadow, Lone Warrior again uses his fool-proof patented approach to apprehending the fiend.

Walls 2, Hero 0.

A pair of giants attack and get the best of Lone Warrior and The-Boy-Who-Bore-His-Name-With-Shame.  The Dictator’s Shadow knows there’s only one thing of any value in this comic strip: that cool airplane/tank/car.

Also notice the artist isn’t too good at aiming word balloons at the right characters. It looks like one of the monsters is making that speech, but that can’t be since all they can say is “Ugh.”

The artist’s aim gets even worse a few panels later…

Thanks for nothing, Lone Warrior!  Whose side are you on, anyway?

Using “their last ounce of strength,” our heroes snap the chains that bind them.  Then they whale the tar out of two giants. Of course, technically, if they really just used their “last ounce of strength” to break the chains, they shouldn’t be able to lift a finger, let alone beat a giant, but at this point why bother applying logic?

Now it’s off to save the admiral from “Mongol Giant #3” (maybe you shouldn’t have told him to murder the admiral in the first place, Stan!).  Luckily there’s that good old stupid bulls-eye over his “vital spot,” so it’s a quick battle.

This story is going in circles, but we’re almost out of pages so surely we must be close to a resolution, now.  This time the Lone Warrior will capture the Dictator’s Shadow for sure.

Hoo boy.  Walls 3, Hero 0.

Now we begin to see why Dicky has to constantly explain the obvious to Lone Warrior.  After all those concussions he probably has no idea where he is most of the time.

Anyway, kids, here’s the moral of the story:  Get vaccinated.